Personal Time by Greg

This has been a difficult week. I don’t have any new insights about death and dying to share but I do know that my love for Von and an appreciation for how special it is has grown. That I appreciate more the importance of strong family connections in times of grieving. Jimmy is a strong and a relatively young man and he is not ready to go yet. He knows it is close. A couple of times we thought it was imminent but the next morning he has rallied. I tell my self, “This is a part of life, dying is.” Jim does not complain although we know he must be in pain. The hospice care has been terrific. No bullshit about medications to ease the pain, just whatever it takes. We are even expecting an M.D. to make a house call today.

The downside to this long and drawn out time is that the grieving goes on and on but with no end in immediate sight. My sister has been incredibly strong throughout. She cries, and so do I. Jim’s mentation has decreased daily while we have been here. He is beginning to hallucinate that animals are in the room with him. No people so far but horses, cobras. Monsters too. He asked me if monsters were there and I so said no, it’s Greg. He said, Oh, good. I have to get rid of the monsters.” He does not seem fearful, only matter of fact.

There is no way of knowing what world he lives in most of the time. He has been getting up for a while each morning and afternoon but sleeps 22 hours a day. He still recognizes us all but we wonder for how long. He has still been able to display his sense of humor. We wonder for how long. He has not gotten up yet this morning.

I will have to leave here tomorrow. My brother is coming in tonight, prepared to stay for two weeks at least and our sister is ready to come in after that but I don’t think it will be that long. I hope so and don’t hope so. I love that man and don’t want to see him leave us but it is so hard to see him disappearing before our eyes. It will be a relief that I do not welcome. But my sister needs relief. Then we will grieve over the finality of it.

“It is a part of life, this dying is.” It is the hardest of it.

Greg